Wednesday, June 30, 2010

You make me want to never have kids

Its only the beginning of summer vacation but already the mass flux of families from one part of the country to another, like the winter migration of birds, is under way.
My father says "it's good birth control for ya." in regards to screaming infants and tantrum throwing children. i agree. but whats more concerning than the bratty kids are the parents of the bratty kids. you've flown. you know who i'm talking about. the parents whose capability at child rearing you question as you try in vain to drown out the cries, whines, and temperamental explosions of their kids with earplugs, booze, and loud music in your headphones. they sit there oblivious, or in denial of the unacceptable behavior of their kids.

For THOSE parents and the few of you who are considering bringing another life into this world i have a few words before you get down to business:

1. flight attendants are not babysitters. your child should stay with you at all times during the flight. letting them run up and down the aisles shrieking at the top of their lungs is not going to make you very popular with us, or the guests.

2. Feeding your children is YOUR responsibility. so, please remember to pack a snack for your little ones and milk for your babies. you CAN get these items through security. also there are restaurants throughout the terminal you can buy food from so there is NO excuse. i do not personally carry happy meals around with me to feed YOUR kids.

3. The overhead bin space is NOT an appropriate place to leave your baby while you stand in line for the restroom.

4. Flight attendants are not human vending machines of picture books, videos, toys,  or board games. if you feel the need to distract your child with one of the mentioned items you need to bring it with you from home.

5. changing diapers on the seats and grossing out everyone around you is a NO NO. handing the dirty diaper to the flight attendant is a HELL NO! there are changing tables in most aircraft restrooms, please use them and dispose of that bio hazard in the trash receptacle your self.

6. believe it or not YOU are the adult, the child should listen and obey YOU not the other way around.

7. If you break into tears because your kid is screaming hollaring and demanding things from you, if you feel you need a nanny to take care of your one child while flying, if you come to the flight attendant for help because you need a break from being the parent, you should probably not have had children in the first place.

if any of this sounds  like you!!!!! all i have to say is vasectomy, hysterectomy, termination, adoption. pick one.

i'm not trying to be mean but if flight attendants wanted to take care of pooping, puking, screaming, eating, crying kids we'd have our own. please take care of yours.

Pillows and Blankets

Two nights ago i worked a cross country night flight. during boarding a guest stops me in the aisle and asks for a pillow and blanket, tooo tired to go through the whole schpeel about airlines not carrying complimentary pillows and blankets since the swine flu epidemic, i simply told him that we didn't have any onboard. he pointed out that first class had blankets. i pointed out that first class tickets are a hell of a lot more expensive and therefore get "complimentary" items. With a tone full of disdain and an anger that makes me think that someone didn't love him enough as a child he told me that "YOU should put that on your website!" not wanting to fight before the plane even took off i chose this moment to walk away and help other more grateful passengers with their carry on items. but in my mind i was having a different conversation with him. it went something like this:

passenger: "You should put that on your website!!!!"

flight attendant: "you know youre right! i've been meaning to update that old thing for ages, let me whip out my laptop and get right on that."

passenger: "Really?"

flight attendant: "no, not really."

passenger: "why would you say such a thing?"

flight attendant: "why, would you think that i, the flight attendant, had any control of what information is put on the company website?!


Sunday, June 27, 2010

theres a first time for everything right?

i have been flying for two years and being new to the airline industry i didn't really know what to expect; the outrageousness i would encounter. i've heard stories of horror and hilarity about mile high sexcapades, druggies, smokers and boozers. i've never had my own story...until now.

          i was working a red eye to the east coast from L.A. i'm not sure what it is about red eyes that make some people think they can get away with anything.. maybe because its dark, and quiet, and the body clocks of most people tell them to sleep. maybe they think that the flight attendants are going to succumb to the melatonin inducing dimness of the cabin (just so you know, we can't. and we crave something to keep us busy so we're usually more alert than normal.) the few guests who remain awake on red eyes are naturally or caffeinated night owls and on this night i appeared to have just that, two night owls sitting in the very last row in a very dim cabin ordering drink after drink.
     Around their 3rd or 4th mixed beverage i begun to worry about them a little bit, the pair were long and lanky and they had not ordered any food all night long nor been drinking water. As i was preparing their latest beverage order i thought that i'd let them know how the altitude DOES affect your body. i stopped by their row and spoke quietly to them about how drinking one beverage in the sky is like drinking two on the ground and i offered to complete their latests order as long as they also accepted some water. they agreed that water would be nice. so, back to my galley i went to fetch some water.  as i was returning, walking up on them from behind, i caught one of my night owls leaning over his tray table with a rolled up dollar bill to his nose and inhaling "SoMeThInG" that i could not see, presumably because it was the same color as the table. I.WAS.SHOCKED. i had never been around drugs like that before. sure there was the odor of maryjane wafting through the dorms of my college days, but this was not some "Gateway" drug. this was hardcore. this was in front of my face. and in plain view of the all the other guests, some of which were children and all of which were sleeping. so shocked was i, that the first thing out of my mouth was " I KNOW youre NOT doing what I think youre doing." the night owls looked up at me and in a manner that makes me think they've been caught before said "no.. were not." still clutching the rolled up bill. Protocol whipped through my head.. did i have my written notice to cease? i didn't. so i gave them the only thing i could, a verbal warning that if they didn't stop and any one of my coworkers or guests saw them that i would have to alert authorities once we landed. i left them to phone my lead and let her know what i just encountered. at the same time another coworker walked by so i had him take a peek at the night owls too just in case they decided to continue their criminal activity. all the flight attendants and i got together to discuss the situation, none of us had the written warning and weren't sure what level of action drug usage required. we decided to tell the capt. who decided to call operations who decided to wake up the head of security who told us to let them go. LET THEM GO?! there is now drug residue on our plane. our night owls are hopped up and drunk and if something happens and they need medical attention i really wouldn't know what to do in case of an overdose, on top of that what if they start freaking out and i need to restrain them.. dude this had bad news written all over it, i lost respect for mr. head of security.... *sigh*
    anyways the rest of the flight went off without a hitch. our night owls decided they WERE tired after all and fell asleep. when we landed there were no police, no medical staff and no drug sniffing dogs, the night owls just walked off the plane and into the sunrise.
the crew walked off in disbelief and decided our new billboard ad campaign should say something to the affect of "Come snort coke with us!" "High, in the Sky!"

     for those of you thinking "cool, who are you so i can be high in the sky?" i discourage whatever you have planned in that pea sized brain of yours. if you do drugs in the air i am not going to take care of you as you have seizures lying in a pool of your own vomit. you'd better leave "IT" at home.

good night for now, and happy flying.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

when things go right, they GO RIGHT!

so, i do not work first class.. and there have been so many menu changes that i have stopped paying attention to what is served up there and when and how many of each choice there is and where the caterers hide the red and white wines. but today, which is the beginning of a three day trip and day five of working and traveling for me, i am serving first class. i have 2 legs this afternoon, one from sfo to sea and one from sea to lax. two legs to get back into to the swing of things before our nyc flight tomorrow... i have some doubts in my ability to professionally and efficiently  lead this crew, take care of my pilots and cater to these people. but guess what?!! God, Buddha, Allah, and Yahweh must feel some sort of sympathy for me because there was not a single complaint,  problem, or bag that needed to be gate checked. my crew was fantastic. the kids decided to vomit from motion sickness AFTER they disembarked. the pilots didn't even come out for a potty break or ask for food or extra coffee. everyone said thank you, good night, and smiled at me as they left the airplane.

it was a perfect day of work..a memory i will have to refer back to when im having a HELL flight and worry that the agony will never end.

for now, its bliss. :)